For a large number of people, one of the most natural pursuits in life is to find someone to share their lives with. Sometimes this comes in the form of a quest while at other times it just falls in your lap. The end of this pursuit is generally confirmed with an exchange of vows and in some cases a wild celebration. While not everyone experiences this marital bliss, at least a good part of people see the value in nuptials and agree to go before witnesses to commit their lives to one another. What generally comes after that is the post-honeymoon stage where you have to live out the marriage. Walking down the aisle is one thing, walking through life is a complete other. What touches the way you walk in marriage is your worldview. How you understand the very nature of marriage, in particular the roles of the couple within the relationship, will drive the way you will act in the marriage. In 2025, there are different perspectives on what married life looks like. If you are of the secular persuasion, you will act differently than a couple that has a Christian worldview which is what I hope to present a small portion of what that looks like in this post.
It might be wise at this time to point out that this post is not an exhaustive undertaking of all that the Christian marriage entails. This is simply a summary of what Paul has revealed in one place in the bible and on one particular aspect.
In the first part of Ephesians, Paul lays out theological realities related to Christ in what He had accomplished for His people. These were largely spiritual realities that were meant to be the driving force behind practical exhortations in the latter part of this epistle. So, since Christ accomplished redemption, and granted to us unimaginable blessings as His people, how does that work in our everyday lives especially in light of the way we live as a married couple with kids? In the next couple of posts, we will explore this very thing. We’ll begin with the relationship between a husband and wife then followed by the children and servants. But before delving into what the bible instructs us on these matters, we should start by talking about a theme introduced one verse earlier mainly of subjection.
The Text
and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:21-33)
Serving One Another
We now will explore the topic of subjection. Before we do, we need to define this little term in hopes in bringing about a little pre-emptive calm. The Greek word for subjection is hypotasso which is from the compound word Hypo (under) and tasso (order) so it is to place yourself under the directive of another. The term is used of believers putting themselves under God (Hebrews 12:9; James 4:7), being subject to the law (Romans 8:7), the church’s subjection to Christ (Ephesians 5:24), people to governments (Romans 13:1; Titus 3:1; 1 Peter 2:13), Christians to their leaders (1 Corinthians 16:16), younger men to older men (1 Peter 5:5) and children to their parents (Luke 2:51). There are different extremes to the word subjection and while it certainly can be defined as being oppressed or under some form of tyrannical subjugation, in respects to the church and the family unit, it doesn’t quite have those overtones. To be subject to another is to be under the authority or care of another. We who are employees are subject to the decisions of our managers who have the responsibility and care of the company we work for. In other cases, as citizens, we are in subjection to our governmental bodies who are supposed to be making decisions for the better of those under their charge. To place yourself under subjection to another is to humbly placing oneself under the care of another who has the responsibility for their well-being. It isn’t subjecting yourself to a despot, but to a caregiver or a humble leader or at least that is what they are supposed to be.
In verse 21, notice that at this point there is no main individual named to be subject to. Paul commands his readers to be in subjection to one another. Humility brought by the Spirit is one that is exemplified through servanthood. This is a similar concept in Galatians where Paul commands the churches to through love serve one another. (Galatians 5:13) and in Philippians he exhorts them to do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; (Philippians 2:3). The apostle Peter had similar words for the recipients of his epistle where he urges the younger men to likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. (1 Peter 5:5). So, this is a service to another. In this context, it is a servitude to one another, but this verse doesn’t necessarily minimize authority in the church or in the home, but shows that whatever position you are in, you should do so with a sense of humility. But what we don’t want to miss and what we will be exploring in all forms of subjection, is that for the Christian, this subjection is to be with Christ in mind. It is to have Him at the center of our thinking when we examine our relationships and the servitude that comes as a Christian when interacting with one another, whether in a congregation, a marriage or as parents.
The next section is largely a list of means by which a family is to be governed. All members of the family are mentioned and given specific roles and responsibilities. Of course, this is in a first century setting and hence the mention of servants or slaves isn’t a reality we deal with today. All areas of life require order and with order comes harmony and unity. This isn’t just reserved for society and the church gatherings but extends to the third sphere of biblical government, the family.
The Wife
The apostle Paul begins with addressing the wife within the marriage relationship in verses 22-24. While it shouldn’t need to be said, the wife spoken of here is a biological female who marries a biological male. This doesn’t extend, as some argue, to a male-to-male relationship or a female to female. If this is a problem, you can take it up with the apostle.
Paul begins in exhorting the wives to be in subjection to their husbands and recognize them as the head of the relationship. The wife is to be lead by the husband. The first mention of “wife” in the bible is in Genesis 2:22-24 where we see from the beginning God had the intention that a man and woman be together. Our God is a relational God and saw that man required a companion. We read in Genesis 2:18, 20b that it was not good that Adam was alone. Adam did not have a helper and by creating Eve, God’s intent was that Adam would have a partner in fulfilling the mandate given to him and also to have companionship. So, the first thing we should notice about marriage is that the purpose of marriage is that the woman might give a man companionship (and vice versa) and that she becomes a helper to man. Notice, it doesn’t say a slave to her man but a willing helper. So, in other words, the wife must allow the husband to be the head. As O’Brien points out: the use of the middle voice of this verb (c.f. Col. 3:18) emphasizes the voluntary character of the submission. Paul’s admonition to wives is an appeal to free and responsible persons which can only be heeded voluntarily, never by the elimination or breaking of the human will, much less by means of a service submissiveness. [1] In the same way as the wife would subject herself to the care of the Lord God, she is to subject herself to her husband. The mention of the husband here is significant. In a house, the husband is head, not the male sons or the male servants, and the wife is only subject to her husband and to no other man. We want to emphasize that subjection doesn’t mean that she is to be ruled in a tyrannical way or for her husband to abuse this position. It also doesn’t mean that her husband overrules God either. If a wife is being led in contrast to the will of the Lord either into theological error or sin, she should be wise in refraining from subjecting herself to this. The husband is to lead in everything that he has been appointed to lead in but there are limits.
But why should a woman submit to her husband? Because the husband is the head of the wife in the same way as Christ is the head of the church. While He has universal rule (Ephesians 1:22), Christ has a special headship over the Church which is referred to as His body (Ephesians 4:15). So, the authority of the husband is compared to Christ’s authority over the church. But that authority is something that comes with a tremendous amount of accountability. Christ doesn’t rule over the church in an irresponsible way. He loves the church, protects the church, nourishes the church and leads His people for their benefit. He truly is the Saviour of the body!
Elsewhere, Paul states the order of subjection as Christ is subject to God, while man is subject to Christ and woman is subject to man. (1 Corinthians 11:3). In that same context, Paul explains that: For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake. (1 Corinthians 11:8-9).
The Husband
In the rest of the chapter, Paul turns to the role of the husband in a much lengthier appeal. Notice that there is little mentioned of a husband ruling over his wife or what steps to take to assert his authority. While leading his wife is implied in verses 22-24, here his calling is to love His wife. It would be easy to simply define this love as purely emotional by showing warmth and fondness towards their wives. But this love that Paul’s referring to is one that recognizes her as valuable above all people or possession. This is why that love is to be comparable to Jesus’ love for His church. It is a love that demonstrates itself through sacrifice. A husband is not to selfishly love his wife but to sacrificially love her. Christ’s love for the church brought Him to Golgotha where He literally laid down His life to demonstrate His care for her.
In vs.26-27, Paul moves to the comparative and explains the purpose of Christ’s love towards the church. That sacrificial love towards her was meant to sanctify her, cleanse her by the washing of the word, and present her holy and blameless. In her sanctification, the church is set apart from all others with a goal towards continued purification or a cleansing which in this case is identified with the word. These are all things that a husband needs to do. Hence, it would be unwise for a husband to think he is different than Christ and lead his wife with any self-righteous mindset. When men abandon their responsibility to love their wives, they are communicating their sin by saying that Christ will abandon the church. If they abuse their wives, they are saying that Christ abuses the church. If they do not love their wives, then they are saying that Christ does not love the church. Husbands are to reflect Christ in their marriages as the head.
Ought
In the same way that Christ loved the church and offered Himself up for her benefit in a manifestation of love towards her, the husband is to do the same. Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. The term “ought” identifies something that is more than a good idea. Paul states that this is a command and a deeply pragmatic one. This makes sense in light of how they are to love their wives. “As your own bodies” is obviously derived from Leviticus 19:18 where it states that “you shall love your neighbour as yourself”. Husbands are commanded to treat their wives in the same way as they would care for themselves. They generally would not deprive themselves of proper nourishment, shelter and love. If they are truly one flesh, then one would expect them to care for one another as such. But in this case, the primary person responsible for the care of the wife is the husband. In the same way that Christ provides for the church, so should the husband do so for his wife and family. If Christ cared for the church in nourishing and caring for his bride, he has left husbands the perfect example of how to fulfill their role in the marriage relationship.
The Mystery Behind Marriage
Paul continues his focus upon the relationship between Christ and the church in vs. 31-32. He turns now to the creation account and the relationship between the original intent of marriage. He quotes from Genesis 2:24 to show that God’s intention was for the union of a man and woman together. There isn’t supposed to be a division between one or the other but acting together as one flesh where the man is joined to the woman in covenant faithfulness. In v. 32, Paul then states that this mystery is great or weighty. But what exactly is this mystery? The term mystery has been used throughout the epistle of something that was not previously known or only partially known that has been revealed or clarified. In chapter 3, the mystery is revealed in that the Gentiles are made fellow heirs and fellow members of the body, and fellow partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel (Ephesians 3:6). The mystery was that there would be unity between these the Jews and Gentiles. In this case, the unity is between Christ and the church which consisted of Jews and Gentiles. But how exactly does this relate to marriage? The unity between Christ and the Church becomes a type of the marriage between a husband and wife. There is unity between them and the care of the husband for his bride relates back to v.28 where Paul said husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.
The Summary
As a summary of everything that was just argued from vs. 22-32, Paul reiterates that each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. This exhortation is focused upon each one in the congregation as individuals. Paul repeats that a husband must love his wife with a sacrificial love, one that he would not hold back from himself. This love is not only sacrificial but provisional. On the other hand, the wife is to respect or fear her husband. This is a similar expression to what we saw in v.21 where subjection was in the “fear of Christ”. Of course, this doesn’t mean that she is required to be deathly afraid of her husband by any means, but that a wife is to respect or revere her husband.
A Warning
The subjection of the wife to the husband is not so he can have some overbearing control over his wife or to go on a power trip but as a need. To be able to take his responsibility as head of the family, the wife must put herself under him in the role of the household. The husband is the federal head of the family and to be able to function in this way he must be able to be the spiritual leader without competing headships within a house. This also doesn’t mean that a woman can’t express her opinion on a matter or even disagree with her husband but at the end of the day, so long as the decision is not in opposition to God’s word, she should respect the God ordained authority that was placed upon him. If it fails, then it’s on him! Remember, this is how God has made things and a husband is left with two scenarios: Either he will be a good head or a bad head. Notice that the text tells us that the subjection of the wife to the husband is “as is fitting in the Lord”. This subjection should be in the Lord since the husband is accountable to Him. God has an order of things that should be respected (1 Corinthians 11:3). When a wife places herself willingly under the care of her husband, she is ultimately demonstrating her submission to the Lord Himself. This is significant! The Lord must be at the center of any Christian marriage.
[1] Pillar New Testament Commentary, Ephesians, W.B. Eerdman Publishing, Peter T. O’Brien, 1999, Page 411-412
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